Monday, August 15, 2005

Pin-hole Camera

Look at everything through a pin-hole camera and suddenly things will make sense. Colours will merge into one another, sound will dim out.

I was talking to ma yesterday, on the phone and something I said made her cry. She felt I was misunderstanding her. She said she is not as strong as she was, once.

Who all have done things, which have weakened her? Who all have betrayed her trust, shattered her dreams?

I usually go on long walks with her a few times a week, there has been a dryness between us for the last few years. Once, I feared she would never relate to me again - when I had run away, and then come back sat across her on the sofa. But she did, giving me bits of love again - filtered through her shattered heart. All of wondered why her health has detoirated. I always blamed my father. Never gave her time, never understood her, other things always being more important. But I feel all of us - who broke her heart, are equally responsible.

What does one do with remorse?

Allow it to make you soft and dejected, blunt, directionless? Allow it to dull the electricity of your eyes?

Remorse seems to inspire a feeling of completeness, lets you accet yourself more completely.

Today morning I dreamt tht Manju and I had finally gone to Meerut, our home-town in UttarPradesh.

My maternal uncles stay there. They have called us so many times, when their daughters married... and now they don't call us anymore.

We were sitting in their house and they weren't very excited that we were there. Thing seemed to be very much past-the-moment. I do believe, somethings need to be dne on time - bonding, befriending. We were sitting in their house and everything was dry, slow, strange. Not warm.

What in me renders relationships dry within 2-3 years? There must be somthing. That will be another interrogation.


  1. wow.

    What Renders My Relationships Dry in 2-3 Years?

    What a question. Funny how we are both there. Only I'm Not Married.

    Thank you for sharing about your family like that. Family is amazing. "All of us are equally responsible". I have been feeling this with my brothers lately, my surviving family...

  2. if I may be so bold...

    sometimes we think we know what another person thinks of us or feels about us. we think we know what we have done to them and how and why.

    sometimes we're right and sometimes we're wrong. sometimes it's completely different from the story we told ourselves.

    I'm in couples counseling right now and in the first session I discovered that many of the stories I told myself about What Was Wrong, were completely inaccurate. I had misunderstood.

    And, thinking that I understood, I had given up on things that I did not need to give up on. I "accepted" things that did not exist.

    Maybe your dream was an expression of your fear, that you have ruined those relationships--maybe it was a story you were telling yourself. Maybe the story is true, but you can't be sure.

    I believe (you may disagree--it is your family after all!) that you can't know, unless you go there and see for yourself. But I do think that only the real situation will reveal whether your dream was just a fearful story, or a prescient perception.

    And even then, you would have to go with wide-open heart, or you could make your story come true, by seeming cold, when otherwise it might have been totally different from your imagining.

    I tell myself a lot of stories about my future. I believed that I was making my future come true by telling myself these stories. I had to accept that actually these stories are just stories. I can't learn from the stories I tell myself. I can only learn from each moment, and to do that, I have to be present for it.

    Please excuse me for saying so much when I don't know you at all. I'm a friend of Miriam's, not that that is a good excuse. But your comments touched me and I wondered if reality is as dry as your heart feels to you.