Monday, August 22, 2005


To Push Down. To Keep Under.

There is Nothing Wrong with You, I Keep Telling Myself.

It gets harder the more meta my mind gets. I am squirrelly - meditation is getting harder, and my relationships seem to be declining. I am seeing the results of long-term overwork and under play. I feel, when I feel at all, sadness and disconnection, from my body and heart. Today I realized part of it is hormonal cycle, and there was a tremendous relief - I could remove from list of things potentially Really Wrong With Me the idea that I am now totally nuts. Instead I can just be pretty sad, partially angry but also premenstrual.

Been back to reading Buddhist books on depression, which mostly help. Again and Again, I face my Attachment to sadness, my need to stay on the back of myself for the long rides that justify my feelings, so often deprived from me in childhood, and now mine to revisit again and again. Only the sorts of things that appear on videotape - repeats - are what push everything else down. In favor of reliving old trauma, I overlook new chances in every moment, mostly, most importantly, curiousity. Watch what this person does. Don't expect you know. Because
you don't. Especially if it is me I am watching.

Writing about it helps. So long as I stay out of nitty details which turn into lists and further justification. Certainly exercise helps. Ironically, so does lots of sleep. A very dear and old friend is suffering currently from some really seriously relived trauma, much more acute than my current experience, and a doctor told her something she had never heard: "Maybe you *need* to be sleeping 12 hours a day. You are wearing yourself out. You are tired.".
There are limits, of course, but sometimes we just need rest.

So hard to stay in the unsettled. I am apt to guess and pretend curiousity when instead I am persecuting myself rabidly. Every possible thing I could be compassionate about becomes either a cure, a cause or a disposable emotional refuse. Slowing down helps, of course. I feel as if I am underwater, watching everyone and myself. Luckily I was cried out by the time I had to go to work this morning.

I have gotten through this before. I will do it this time. That is the only part of the video worth watching again - the success story bit. No pressure, of course, lest I get stuck here longer competing with myself over the last time I got myself out. Just a quiet, silent viewing when I need a little booster.


  1. "Just a quiet, silent viewing when I need a little booster."

    Sleep is good. It gives time for to all the loose bones to settle back-in to their places...

    Yes, going into detail is no good. Understanding the past is impossible. Feeling crushed sometimes is destiny. But maybe commenting on a post - two weeks late, one should not try to redress, address or approch the pain. It might already have passed, referring to it may only revive it, reinstate it.

    Lets talk of other things?

    What does it feel like after this slow, silent sadness. What makes you jump up, jump back again - good music, someone calling back? A long walk, a chance to indulge in amnesia?

    I spent all of last week at a workhop, my independent fellowship has now concluded. What will I do not, nothing to worry about...

    Reading books, reading about Buddha feels very nice, like a warm bath in a good memory. All religion is a memory...?

  2. One thing that I came to recently, which we may have talked about, I don't know... is that I have looked and looked for Something Wrong With Me in order to block out the alternative.

    For me the alternative is, "I'm just selfish and lazy." Facing up to that alternative allowed me to realize, "but so is every being--selfishness and laziness are survival mechanisms in our DNA." Then I could forgive myself and relax and try to balance... instead of alternating between extremes of selfishness and self-denial, extremes of inactivity and overwork--instead to practice accepting the desire to rest and to take care of myself as human and even good.

    But that's just me.

    My question for you is, do you too have a Terrible Alternative--something that you are, if there is really nothing wrong with you?

    It's a powerful motivation to keep replaying those old tapes, if Something Wrong With Me is a far preferable conclusion to... something else. What is the something else?