Near the equinoxes, I like to contemplate equanimity. With the climate strike tomorrow, it would seem equanimity is the opposite of what I need to be contemplating. But as I age (I am only 42, but no longer an 18 year old, that's for sure), I realize I am a highly sensitive person. It's possible I have always been this sensitive, or somewhat sensitive and I just didn't recognize or respect it; it's also possible I am getting more sensitive as I age. It could be a combination of the two. Regardless, I don't see it as a problem, but it does make me less likely - less able, really - to go out and protest on the street in the same way I once did. So what do I do?
For many years, after doing activism full tilt in my teens and twenties, my inclination was to sit there and do nothing. This was my privileged refuge when I found Buddhism. It seemed like the only activism available was harsh, critical, unsustainable and exhausting. So the only alternative was to do nothing, literally wishing the world well, but sitting there in practice rather than taking action. Though few people talked about activism in my Buddhist circles, and vice versa, I could tell the dharma teachings were very applicable - in active ways, not just in reflective/contemplative ways - but I couldn't figure out how to apply them.
In other words, I participated in spiritual bypassing, in my case, of activism, by ignoring (or paying attention to but not acting on) what was happening in the world. This is just as poisonous as over aggression and over passion; eventually I could feel how "doing nothing" was not only not helping the world but making me sick.
Occupying the state capitol in 2011, Black Lives Matter taking off in Madison in 2015 after Tony Robinson was shot and killed by a police officer - these two things in particular reignited my connection to the "act" in "activism." I saw as I re-entered the protest and meeting stream that there had been intelligence in withdrawing and respite - it wasn't sustainable for my nervous system. But now I was invested enough to try and make it work other ways. Since then, I've been imperfectly blending them in my teaching, my participation in activism, and carefully keeping some equilibrium where I can.
The equinox and equanimity don't just allude to balance, they also suggest a bigger picture, as is described in this quote from Gils Fronsdal:
[Equanimity] arises from the power of observation, the ability to see without being caught by what we see…[Equanimity]can also refer to the ease that comes from seeing a bigger picture. Colloquially, in India the word was sometimes used to mean “to see with patience.” We might understand this as “seeing with understanding…” This form of equanimity is sometimes compared to grandmotherly love. The grandmother clearly loves her grandchildren but, thanks to her experience with her own children, is less likely to be caught up in the drama of her grandchildren’s lives.
When I have this kind of seeing, I can agitate without getting agitated, and without agitating the others I am engaging with. Meditation is an essential practice for me in terms of keeping this kind of inner equilibrium and balance with others in my life, in terms of personal relationship. I no longer believe, as the bumper sticker said so long ago, "If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention." I can be paying attention, working towards change, and not overwhelm myself - that outrage can lead to desensitization and shut down, both personally, in terms of activist burn out, and in terms of movement progression.
But that still doesn't mean I can approach marches like I used to. Conveniently, my need to take a role which is less center-stage helps me to counteract my own inner white saviorism (Please see Sonya Renee Taylor on Instagram for amazing posts on this lately). As a white woman, I tend to not have as many opportunities as white men to speak, but I also tend to have many more opportunities than People of Color of any gender. I am socialized as a white woman to be highly co-dependent, something I am constantly working with awareness around - needing to be needed, to be important, to be centered. Taking a step back, as well as using the fact that some people will listen to me and offer me space to speak, means I can offer those spaces and help build spaces for others not invited to the table. It is here we can see that no activism, no topic in this world is "race neutral" - the impacts of climate chaos are disproportionately strong on People of Color, and the activist groups fighting for everyone's rights are still disproportionately white-run.
In other words, my need to be in a supporting role in terms of my nervous system and my need to de-center myself in terms of white saviorism fit together quite well. A need to be in control is a deep part of my internalized White Supremacy. How I take up space, and take control, is as deeply important to challenge and take care of as my highly sensitive system. Both/and.
Following People of Color - and Youth of Color, in the case of the #climatestrike - isn't actually always easy for me, which gives me a gut roil to say, but there it is. I wish it were. My programmed unconscious biases kick in quickly, and I have needed to do a lot of active, direct contemplative work with people like Leesa Renee Hall* to unpack them. Doing that work can also feel hard on the nervous system, but actually builds up racial resilience and literacy, including understanding whiteness (not just "race" as separate from me) and its dynamics in the mindfulness movement, as well as activism (blessings to Dr. Angela Rose Black for so much help there).
I believe balancing climate chaos awareness and self care awareness is possible, even for highly sensitive people. I also believe finding an equanimity in activism when we are in deep crisis (globally as well as personally) is not only possible, it's crucial.
There is a middle ground. It takes more work than lying in bed or just using social media, and not going out into the world, but it actually helps me heal and be a part of the world in ways that are sustainable. White Supremacist/Capitalist societies encourage us - including activists - to be in constant panic mode and high reactivity. The internet, as much as I appreciate it, only jacks that up further. But I am digging in and finding sustainable activism for sensitive folks like me. Even if it is less sexy/exciting, it means I can wake up the next morning and get back to work and play, and continue to cause change at paces I can keep up with and be responsible for.
So tomorrow I will be meditating with others in public places, and supporting Leaders of Color in the ways they have asked me/us to do. If you are intimidated by going out to march, see what feels possible for you. And if you are inclined to throw yourself at the machine and sacrifice all for change, just make sure you have some self-care built in to that. We need you all to be a part, however you can.
*Looking to unpack some of your unconscious biases? Check out Leesa on Patreon, or, even better, live in Madison on November 3 (and other cities before and after that) upcoming on her Unpack Tour.
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