Legless

Lately, I've been having a lot of dreams in which my legs don't function. They are tired, worn out, weak, or actually disassembled in some way - broken, cut off at the knee. There are never any graphic details I can see, but rather I just know through trying to use them that they won't work. Often this happens so strongly in the dream that I wake to go pee suspecting I won't even be able to walk or that my legs will be asleep or stiff. We're talking almost every night.

Directly, this could represent the larger amount of activity in my life - regular running, biking, walking, lifting, gardening. Maybe my legs really *are* tired. Certainly after the day long yoga and writing workshop a week ago I *did* wake on Sunday feeling stiff. But most days I wake feeling just fine. Even if a bit sore from a particularly long run or lots of lifting (good sign if your LEGS are sore!), I still don't think I should be feeling it so acutely, so strongly, all night long.

I didn't ask my acupuncturist about it, but that's next on my list. Last night I dreamt two versions of a group trip to Seattle (we're talking AARP bus group trip kind of thing) with various friends along who came to our engagement bbq on Friday (hey, we're getting married, btw!), quite a few of whom I hadn't seen recently. In both, we were lost; in both my legs were plum worn out. In fact, Dylan and I often joke about moving to Seattle - a sort of sweet sore spot, as he would prefer the weather and I might, too, but I am very attached to being here and he is increasingly as well.

So could the legs be "purely psychological"? Especially with these two dreams being "about Seattle" and so close to the engagement bbq (Did I mention we are getting married? Woo hoo!) I decided to "ask the internets" this morning and see what sites say about legs in dreams...

From Dreammoods.com:

To see your legs in your dream, signifies that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.

To see someone else's legs in your dream, represents your admiration for that person. You need to adopt some of the ways that this person does things.

To dream that you legs are wounded or crippled, signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand.

To dream that one of your leg is shorter than the other, suggests that there is some imbalance in some aspect of your life. You are placing more emphasis and weight on one thing, while ignoring other important aspects that need attention as well.

To dream that you have three or more legs, denotes that you are undertaking too many projects than you can handle. Unfortunately, you will find these projects to be unfruitful and a waste of time.

Ok. So. Huh. What I would say is that I feel very confident about the decision to get married. It's the right thing to do, I love D. so much, etc, etc. I would *think* I would be dreaming of progress and navigation, and yet, I am dreaming of weakness. I should also mention that in the last months I have had these dreams where I have a life either before, without or after D., in which (much like those I had after each parent died) D. either hasn't come into my life yet, never will, or did and we've broken up. The dreams are, not to be melodramatic, devastating. My life sucks, I am stuck on stupid dates all the time, I feel lost and lonely and gone. So are these dreams tied to those dreams?

Aha. I think I just made a connection with another website's interpretation. It was the first one I read but I bypassed it thinking it wasn't relevant...Here it is...
From Bellaonline:
"Compare the state of the legs in your dream to situations in waking life. If they were strong, embrace new opportunities coming your way. If they were weak, examine the obstacles and inner fears that are holding you back."

So. If instead of comparing the dreams to my life, I compare them to OTHER DREAMS in which my fears are much more obvious (RAISE YOUR HANDS IF YOU ARE SURPRISED ABOUT THAT ONE), then I find out that I fear losing D. Big time (as Peter Gabriel would say). "Examine the inner fears that are holding you back". Well, my fear of losing D. isn't "holding me back" in any literal way - I *know* I want to get married and I'm not letting that fear stop me either way - but it might be holding me back emotionally, especially from OTHERS.

And in particular, I suspect it's holding me back from doing riskier and more essential things in my life emotionally - for one, I have not kept up contact with quite a few longer distance friends because I am losing my closest friend in Madison - Becky - out of fear of losing her, I have shut off those who already moved away. And out of my fear of losing Dylan - far less founded, for he is not moving to Portland, but still possible - I have done the same. Ironic, isn't it? But common for me - horde what I have close by and lose the rest because I fear losing what I already have - only to lose the periphery - birdfarm, pagiepie, blackforestghetto in particular...Not that any of these folks are going anywhere, but my connection to them is fading. Weak. And those folks are my LEGS. All of these folks are my LEGS. They are my stability - my, for that matter, center, much like with centripital force, where we actually need to have the edges in order for the center to stay.

Besides, distance belies significance - those three and others may be far away geographically, but they aren't from my heart. And lest I cloister Becky and D., shut up in the whole of my grief or worries, locking them away in my dreams, it'd be good for me to reach out.

Maybe tonight I'll dream of strong legs? Or, as yahoo says, I'll dream of someone else's legs (as my own? So I admire myself?). Let's hope I don't dream of three legs or one shorter than the other....