Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Water

So the bookstore has my news. I announced I will be leaving by June 1 to them last week, and then I went off to a mostly fun conference in order to get some space from the store. Everyone is generally supportive of the "Miriam-goes-to-grad-school-and-teaches-too" idea, though my plans aren't exactly "hardcore activist". Dealing with me leaving, logistically, and in terms of community, will be more complex, but we have a few months to do it. I am confident I can transfer most of what I know in a transparent way (which is needed, anyway) to the system here so as not to leave the rest of staff and volunteer collective in lurch.

And I feel relieved to have made official announcement. It's been quite the process. Honestly, I felt pretty shitty the couple of days after announcing: very doubtful of self and path, etc, then I went to teach, and, big surprise, I felt much better. Sticking to the moment.

And here is the plan: I am applying to Naropa's Contemplative Education Master's Program. I am required as an applicant to have an active teaching practice. I was nervous to ask them if me teaching independently "counted" and they replied that yes, oh yes, it sounds just right. (I am, after all, teaching contemplative writing, so private or not, it makes sense it would count). Applications are due end of January. Then, I sit around and wait, prep to leave my job, teach a bunch more, as much as I can. If Naropa takes me, I will plan to travel before going to Boulder for a month in the summer (I am due there for one month out of each summer, but otherwise the course is a long-distance one), then for a month in the fall. I want to go to India and see Prayas (with a sojourn to Tibet), as well as Australia to see good friends in Perth. On a likely separate journey, Tobias has just fixed up a new warehouse flat in East End, London, and so I think I am due to go back that way over the pond in order to check up on the Euro contingency and allies. So that will be another trip sometime this next year. If Naropa doesn't take me, same idea, only I might make all the travel at once, over summer, when teaching is in a lull, and come back and teach and do whatever else I can. Honestly, I am quite confident about Naropa. I think it is a good match. But one must always have contingency plans...

I am in the water between islands. This last weekend I was at a cooperative business conference, and I flailed in my attachment to responsiblity, anger, aggression about control. I took stuff out on myself and other people. It is interesting to watch the release when I let go and swim free. When my mother died, 9 years ago this January, I couldn't stand to swim free. Now, I practice each week, with some conflict or other, letting go and giving in. Then, when the big stuff happens, swimming doesn't feel like drowning, except for those first few minutes; arms in the air, legs rigid from expectation, breath tight and hard. Then I breathe, take some water in and kick it back out, move my arms and swim. Water. I'm an earth sign. This is a new thing, to chose to drop the islands and float on the sea. But it feels natural. After all, I am 90% water, right?
: )

2 comments:

  1. Good! I think it takes a lot of convition to speak a dream through. Strength to you!

    Your path seems interesting - teaching contemplative writing! I have been reading about the workshops you've been doing, the community you work with seems to be growing into you!

    I am finally happy aout my work life, am moving to Mumbai to work with an online advertising company. I would like to be in Mumbai to start going around the galleries, the poetry readings and basically come out of the closet...

    I move in ten days. What I like about your path is that it is one. I am basically walking on a bridge which leads to another path and another and then I reach a road. Why can't I walk in a straight line? There seem to be a lot of scores to settle.

    I feel like applying myself in varied environments. I have chosen to focus on art. Even my writing more in the context of te art projects I am working on. I don't know, it just feels more liberating to work on fragments than formal, "finished" wholes!

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  2. Prayas

    This path does feel very open, and actually, I have a critique with a local poet tomorrow - she went over a batch of my poems, and has good comments on my work, but like you, too, I am more on fragments now. I will be interested to see how your attention to fragments works with your reading aloud at readings and such! For me I have found it takes me from those kinds of environments...

    Wow. Moving. How much of a move is it? And also, the way you are walking may be just as much an indicator of your time of life (the jostling twenties) rather than a lack of focus or something about you. Probably a combination of it all! Go with the little directions: there may be more a path than you see now...

    After all, you are working in fragments, but still working!

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