Saturday, October 15, 2005

Looking at the window from inside

Rachel and Manju are getting along really well together. M got R to paint the windows of our house from within so we wouldn't need curtains anymore. She's painted them really beautifully. Looking at windows from within, to look at them not through them. Because now they are not windows from which people outside our ground-floor flat stare at us, spy at us - they are transluscent pans of colour, which distill all the stories which light brings for us.

Miri, lat time you said that you are breaking tradition by posting twice in a row. I am doing that this time, because I am feeling calm - as a flow of breath, as a walk on a warm sunny day. Maybe tradition is meant to be a sensation only - meant only to be sensed not to be adhered to.

I haven't been alone and peaceful for some time, first M wasn't well, then her mother was over and now R is here! And frankly I don't miss being alone anymore - it is getting a bit dreary and repititive, my routine with myself. Talking to myself about the same things. Scribbling notes to myself to remember and value. All I have is notebooks - half-full and empty.

Birdfarm commented of not wondering about the "something which is wrong" - I read something beautiful the other day... I read it in Osho Times, the magazine published by the Osho Commune in Pune. He says our inhibitions, doubts, confusions are usually the parental voice inside us. Preaching. Teaching us to be more like what it thinks is good for us. Switch the voice off. I try to remind myself of this. The parental voice - I feel - has nothing to do with one's parents. Just the echo of their voice in our heads.

I am getting fidgety again - want to travel. Somewhere. Alone. Residency? Applications!!

I have some assignments and am not so insceure now. Once I get my loan worked off, I will feel better. That is the lie I keep repeating to myself. Doing things to feel better makes me forget how to... Makes me feel I have no time to waste, and that I am wasting time... sleeping the afternoon off. Why can't I sleep in the afternoon? What if there is something I need to dream... really bad?

1 comment:

  1. Wow. "Why can't I sleep in the afternoon? What if I need to dream something really bad?". What a question. No answer for that one, luckily. It is a gorgeous question all alone.

    I am so glad to hear R and M are getting on well. I shall hope for the same myself (and expect it to be so).

    I love also this idea that tradition is a sensation only. Seems true, if, and I have been thinking about this so much lately, so much, all our pasts and presents and futures are are strings of single paned film tied together by the blank gaps of connecting blanks. Then, yes, tradition is as sensation - an experience, a gap, another experience. It is movement of time which gives us this model of continuity, but I suspect it to be mostly mental.

    It seems your itch to move about usually comes when you become impatient with yourself. Do you know which happens first? Look for the gap between the two and stop there, have a cup of tea, and see if you can catch the engine versus the caboose...

    And finally "the lie I keep repeating to myself"..because that is the nature of lies, isn't it? Again with the gaps we surpass on our way up the mountains we build out of the molehills of moments in our lives...