The pandemic anniversary date snuck up on me fairly quickly; of course I've seen North American and European folks* posting about the year anniversary of many aspects of the pandemic in social media. Of course it's come up in personal conversations and in my classes. And yet, I am deeply affected by anniversaries (as regular readers of this blog know) and this one is striking me quite deeply.
On my pandemic anniversary day, I ran some errands in downtown Madison, a place I barely spend time in as is, but especially not during the pandemic. Most of the murals on boarded up businesses are down by now, and those businesses who have not closed are open for at least pick up if not regular businesses, with masks. However, the streets are filled with college students enjoying spring, many of them without masks or half-worn masks. I felt uneasy nearly the whole time.
So many have experienced the COVID-19 pandemic differently. Though it is one of the most universal crises we have had as a world in a long time, class, privilege, race, and geography have all made a major difference in people's feelings of - and actual experiences of - safety. These divides deepened around the uprisings last year, making more and more people aware of larger systemic racism, around electoral politics further poisoning the basic medical facts, and around the pharmaceutical bullshit being pulled on every level around creation and distribution of the vaccines.
There have been splits for a long time.
But now, as more and more of my community members are getting vaccinated, especially around the year anniversary for many of us in North America, the splits are beginning to really show. Really show. Access, restrictions, privilege and power are heightened in a poorly organized attempt to get us to herd immunity. I hear many people expressing guilt when they suddenly get access to vaccines, and arguments that herd immunity helps everyone, regardless of exposure to the public. It's messy. It's going to be messy regardless, but it's much messier because of all the factors at play, including "building a plane as we are flying" yes, but also because when nations are in crisis, they do the same patriarchal white control bullshit patterns they have done for decades.
Sometimes do we, as individuals.
I have zero desire to blame anyone for getting a vaccine "before their time." Zero. To me, that's like blaming individuals for not bringing their reusable grocery bags to the store when the biggest offenders are corporate polluters and capitalism forcing overconsumption. We've all been scared, regardless of our status in the last year, and if an opportunity arrises, I don't blame anyone for taking it.
I would like to encourage us all to do our best if we get access to vaccine to help lessen the split and see if we can help others get access who wouldn't otherwise be able to. This is the power of privilege when we leverage it - using your own access to technology to log into Walgreen's endlessly to see if you can get an appointment to help a neighbor who doesn't use the internet; helping someone who doesn't have transportation get to an appointment. See more in a link below about being a "vaccine angel."
And if that isn't possible for you, try to do your best not to get mired in guilt. It's not up to individuals to make sure this pandemic, or these divides end, and I don't think there will ever be a clean end to this pandemic. However, as individuals and communities, we can unify for mutual aid; small scale change is still change. If you are able to write, to call, then do so - encourage the pharma world and governments to prioritize those of us who are most vulnerable.
In the meantime, please feel all the feels. Including guilt. Including rage. Including whatever arises. Feel them, let them spend time in your body, then move on if you can, without getting mired. I have been thinking a lot about what grief is like when it isn't caught in trauma response, because I can feel that shift in my own body and mind in the last year. It's liberating. Still painful as fuck, but it's painful rather than rotted with suffering. This is my goal: to help ease suffering wherever I can for all beings, including myself, and especially around these split ends we can trim and resolve together over time.
Resources:
On Pandemic Anniversaries/the Anniversary Effect
*I want to acknowledge these anniversaries very dramatically depending on your country and continent, and on the responsiveness of the government where we were living at the time. I am speaking from my own experience as a North American, but I know that's not the same for everyone.
**Want to take a haiku weekend workshop with me? First one ever March 27-28, 2021.
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