End of In No Sense

Is this the end of innocence? Or the end of confusion? 

The end of delusion or the end of illusion?

What is innocence, anyway? In-no-sense. In no sense did I understand what marriage entails. And in no sense is it a problem. And yet. And yet. In some sense I thought I knew. That’s innocence – thinking we know? Or is that arrogance? Innocence is not even knowing there’s something to think or know about.

I would not prefer innocence. That Buddhist adage – don’t start and if you do start, get it over with quickly. Yeh. And yet, when I do slow down and realize what is really going on, I am so grateful that I have developed skills to notice. That I know something now, things I didn’t even realize one could know, then. When I was innocent.

For instance, Thursday:

I was cranky and fast, jumpy and not listening much. I wanted to go to the gym early on, get some exercise. As usual, my first response was a good one – happiness – yes! I’d like to do that. Then, somewhere in the deep lurking murkyness of underneath my conscious operations, a part of me, having just got my period, bloated and hating my body, said “You don’t HAVE to go, though.”  Another habitual, unconscious part said, “Yeah. Don’t tell me what I have to do.” So my conscious self felt bad – look at me, telling myself what to do. I don’t have to do anything. Its my day off, I can just chill and read, etc…habits deep from childhood, the assumption that nothing-doing is what is best and is actually what I want. Deeply desire. Need most at any given time. In no sense is this based in most current circumstances. It is hiding. While “doing nothing” is important an “activity” for me, it is never healthy when aggressive like this.

So the battle began, and the part of me that wanted to go to the gym felt awful and confused. But, but, but I wanted to go, she said. And the part that said I didn’t have to go told her that either she a) didn’t really want it and/or b) she couldn’t make me go. PS You are fat and are just using this to punish yourself.

What? Nice way to slide an insult in there.

By the time we got home I was a mess. Sad. Disconnected from my crampy, aching body. Dissociated. We lay in bed, snuggling, Dylan struggling with her own body issues and want/dislike and I said “I do want to go to the gym, that’s the thing. I am confused, I am not sure how that got turned into being mean to myself.”

“What’s something nice you could do for yourself right now?” Dylan asked, gently, and it took me back to 17 years old, Annee Pope, who FAcebook messaged me just this week telling me how much she still admires me and loves me, asked me what I needed at a moment of severe depression. “I like hot baths?” she suggested, Annee, one year older than me. “Do I like hot baths?” I asked myself. No answer.

“I don’t know, Dylan. I think what would be nice is yoga, but even that gets turned against me. I think I need to be in my body.” My new slogan of stop-drop and roll (pause, get into my body and move in a way that gets me out of my head) flashed in front of me, on our wipe off board in our bedroom of important things to remember.

We agreed on badminton, and I went out into the backyard to set it up, grabbing the push mower on the way. The slicing sound of the blades, the mix of wind and sun, the fresh cut grass smell and the heart-beat-raising jog of pushing along the mower, along with some great upper body workout for my arms, all felt instantly good.

Like an orgasm, another thing I so often want but my body isn’t so sure it’s ok to have, I had to negotiate. Wait for just the right opening, then take a chance. Laying in bed, I thought differently from moment to moment – one moment – “I never want to leave this bed” and the next “Ok, let’s do it!”

           When I was innocent, in no sense did I ever realize there were moments of Ok, let’s do it. It all seemed solid. Is it maddening that I flip back and forth? Yes. Also human. Also, there are moments when the forth flips and I can do that – move forward, not back, not back into habit, deeply entrenching. After I mowed the lawn and Dylan repaired a window, we didn’t need the badminton. I felt good, in my body, plus, better than the gym, I got something done. The rest of the day got a lot easier. In no sense did my life ever appear easier before, as it still doesn’t when I am going back instead of forward, instead of present. I’ll pick the repeated ending of innocence – in no sense – the repeated opportunities to turn dead-end roads of habit into open fields, prairies of perception, lack of deception, intention openings that happen again and again in little flits I in no sense notice unless I slow down and really listen to myself.