Never to be wrong
Never to make promises that break
It's like singing in the wind
Or writing on the surface of a lake
And I wriggle like a fish caught on dry land
And I struggle to avoid any help at hand
-Sting, "Still My Beating Heart"
We finalized our plans to go to Europe today. Four days with my godparents June and Bruce south of London, four days with friends in Rotterdam, four days teaching Miksang in London. A day each way of travel. That's a fortnight, as June says, and it "goes quickly." The disappointment in her voice, to only have us a third of the trip (and the evenings of teaching) was slight - she's British and pragmatic. I realize I have put off calling her because *I* am disappointed. I wish we could go longer, and yet, I don't want to be away from home longer. I consoled her (I told myself, but I was consoling myself) that this is only the beginning - I will be back to teach, this is just the start of programming for London and they will bring me back.
Only she and her husband, Bruce, are in their 80's.
A few months ago, June and I had our first "we made our plane reservations" conversation, and she got really confused - confused about the month, confused about when we were arriving and leaving. I panicked - my God, she is getting older. A few trips ago I remember noticing her liver spots, and the last trip, Dylan and I noticed they fall asleep at around 7pm, though say that they don't go to bed until 10pm. I have wanted to get back sooner than the three years since our wedding there, but it hasn't happened.
Dylan asked me last week, after we spent time at the land where my parents and grandparents are buried, if impermanence serves as consolation for me about death. At the time, it did - those folks are already dead, and so will we be one day. But now? Now it is far from consoling. My mind grasps - how do I get to England more? Maybe I could stay longer and while Dylan goes back to work?
My guts clench, my mind whines. And the understanding of Vajrayana wisdom that circles my mind returned:
Confusion is confused Wisdom.
Confusion and Wisdom are one in the same. Go into the feeling. Feel the feeling. Drop the story, the baggage. Loosen mental grasping. Be with the loss(es), the potential loss(es). Do it anyway. Even better, do it wholeheartedly. Do not back down. This is how we will build - we are building - Enlightened Society.
Sign your heart on. I am. Together we can let our hearts beat together. We can:
sing into the wind
write on the surface of a lake
and wriggle like fish caught on dry land
and accept all the help at hand.
Is it as simple as that?
Yes. Simple doesn't mean easy.
But yes, it is that simple.
Don't just take my word for it.