Friday, November 10, 2006

How easy it is to be honest

(Not a lyric that I know of, just true.)

I had problems with compulsive lying in Junior High School. After my dad died (I was 12), I went through a phase of milking sympathy from people for completely untrue things, as when he died I discovered sympathy got me some serious affection and attention. In the years between, say, 16 and last year, I still waffled with this a lot. I pretty much stopped lying when I left the born again Christian church at 16 (yes I know that is ironic, Our God is an Awesome God), but I still had ambivalence about sympathy leading to affection, mainly, that it worked, but I was unwilling to lie. Luckily enough, playing victim wasn't hard, as they were difficult years.

But as of the last year, with the last of the biggest true skeletons out of the closet, any need to receive attention for or in anything other than the present moment has dissipated a lot. And last night and today really emblazoned this change onto my little path. D. and I had a lovely evening watching Ren and Stimpy with the housemates ("Space Madness" *is* the best episode, by far), then up late, late talking (remember it's high school all over again!) - about love lives, sexuality - about the kinds of things people do when they are getting to know one another in "this kind of situation". "Figuring out the cast of characters", is one way D. put it. I was able to talk about the big trauma stuff, which is a huge step as it's the first time I've shared those specs with someone I am sexually/romantically engaged with ever. We talked about boundaries on sex a lot, from *both* our perspectives (this is big - I am realizing I have believed it is solely up to me - with women or men - for years now, somehow, probably because of victimhood).

Then, this morning, and into the afternoon, we talked about things that actually work for us in sexual engagement, and it was so easy to be honest, to be clear. To be complete - its not that I was *dishonest* in previous situations, rather, incomplete. I was able to say things to D. that now seem so simple, no cause for shame, yet I had never told anyone, and clearly I had been scared to do so before. I don't know why I am so surprised, maybe more surprised that I have chosen the harder, complex and cruddy path over the years, being less clear, less direct. Maybe I didn't know for myself. Maybe I never trusted most of those lovers, which certainly could be the case.

It helps that the affection is already there. For once, and for what it is so far, I am with someone who needs, craves and is comfortable with the level of affection I have in all the above forms. I am amazed what this takes care of for me. In the Markova/ Open Mind model, I carry physical experiences very, very deeply and intimately, and all I can think is that in the past, being with these folks who wouldn't hold my hand, look at me lovingly, even, I was cramming sex into the void that sex can't fill, because sex is only sex. Now, I feel full a lot of the time, and it's a nice feeling. I didn't know it existed, actually.

How easy it is to even be honest about that. And what a pleasure.

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