Monday, September 18, 2006

nothing to worry

it takes nothing to worry...

i imagine all the insight, the innovation necessary to teach and although it certains takes no more of either than my last job did, i somehow worry more about it. worrying about nothing. it is not so much that there is nothing to worry about, but that i seem to worry most when there is nothing there. the existential issues - not the logistics, but after all it seems like the logistics come down to existential issues most of the time.

problem solving between humans in intimate situations? check.
being present when the shit hits the fan in myriad situations? check.

in fact, teaching supports all of these things, plus my own writing, in both professional and personal ways. yet i need to be hard on myself for something (lest i get truly unruly bored) so there we are, a little worry takes me a long way.

right behind the worry, true to the core of the teachings i have received and i am now passing on, is usually some true nugget, the source of the strength i need to fight my own concerns at their root, manifesting as a tool, as a poem, as an insight. the worry that the insight won't come, covering the insight itself. how many traditions have discussed this, time and time again? too many to discuss here. suffice it to say i appreciate the human effort, the leagues of literature wherein this has been discovered again and again as if it is something new every time, because, well, it is something new, every time.

amazing what a shelf life nothing has.


  1. ha. this was exactly what I needed to read right now.

    why are we so afraid of space? I don't get it.

    I don't know how to get at the nugget. Maybe you can tell me sometime. Sometimes (i.e. now) I hate having to be all present and shit all the time for anything to not suck. Sometimes it seems too hard. I know that's just delusion because actually it's easier and blah blah blah. But from this side of the mirror I can't see my way through.

  2. "from this side of the mirror I can't see my way through" - wow. That is such a powerful statement, on so many different levels. Chogyam Trungpa talks a lot about needing to get absolutely nauseous over samsara in order to get over repeating it. Not there yet, personally. The "I know that's just delusion..." stuff sounds closer to nausea, in fact. In other words, that is a good sign...
    ; )

  3. CT also said "nostalgia for samsara is shit." I think about that sometimes when I try to tell myself that life is so beautiful and poignant and I should go ahead and just really get into all the delusion.

    Because, you know, life is more beautiful when you're not so depressed you can't get out of bed.

    Not that that stops me from giving in to my cravings for another decaf iced venti soy latte.