Saturday, February 11, 2006

"You have to eat all the little dots to move onto the next level"

That's a newer, close friend, coaching me by reminding me of the core principles of...Ms Pac Man last night! I hadn't played that since Atari, and as I am not a technology retro whore, it's been the appropriate number of years since Atari has been in my life. Like, 20. He regaled me and my lack of skills (you should have seen me in the driving games!) by pointing out that I've spent the last 20 doing excellent things with my life and he's spent them mastering Ms Pac Man. Doesn't have to be an either/or of course, but it helped.

It's been an intense week. My backpack was stolen out of the back of Dan and Sus' car, on Devon in Chicago last week. It was horrible. My diary, datebook, camera (and five rolls I had shot that weekend) address book (I have duplicates of info, but it's sick to think of those I love out there in nowheresville) were the big losses. The absolute best capilene long underwear I bought for a long trek in Europe 10 years ago. My favorite pair of underwear. You know, the stuff I need on a weekend trip. The essentials. The ipod and wallet were on me, luckily (especially the wallet, ugh). Dan and Sus' car window got smashed in of course, and that was distressing too. There were many beautiful and ironic moments: I noticed the street salt glistening in the lights just before noticing the glass on the seat doing the same, I have taken my camera everywhere I've travelled for years all to no damage or loss, to have it stolen in my "second home" (and I had spent the afternoon talking with them about such adventures).

I spent the next few hours on the bus home after documenting the people in my life I love best, the folks who really support me unconditionally. I've been thinking about, and researching, love a lot lately. I didn't realize until today, in a Living and Working from the Inside Out workshop a friend is running and I am participating in, that they are inexorable. Completely inseparable. How I love and how I work. What I need and what I do. I don't know why loss spurred me to recount, but I am grateful for the list now.

I spent the last two days at a teacher training workshop, run by William and Mary College and WCATY (Wisconsin Academy for Academically Talented Yuth - Yuth is a mydadism). Followed quickly by this mornings' first workshop on Living and Working, I am feeling the next phase of my life pretty heartily. It's like I'm in the middle of a stew, and I'm both the stew and I also need to eat myself. Or lick myself. Anyway, I think you get the idea. It's intense. Hot and warm, tasty and also overwhelming. Today all I did after the workshop was take a bath and nap. Even those were kind of hard.

There's so much to say about this that I can't possibly say it all now. Suffice it to say that I figured out over dinner with another newer friend tonight that I have so much love in my life I have yet to reap. When asked today in the workshop if I could think of someone, anyone, I know for sure loves me in my life, I went blank. I froze up. OF COURSE I CAN THINK OF THEM. That's right, them. More than one. I just made a list last week.

But to Feel that Love? That's something else. Without pressure, I recognize that in order to keep moving forward, in romance as well as in life, and especially in my friendships and personal life, I need to start eating the dots.

Thanks, J.

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