Friday, December 02, 2005

Don't deal with yourself harshly

Don't push, don't hassle, don't say "the world is going to end. if you don't perform." Relax.

How does one do that, and not feel strangely, obtusely that one is going to be left behind? I have been very laidback lately. I have kind of changed my priorities, from being motivated and charged and hyper to being slow, lost and unsure. Confused. Because that is the way I am. I can behave in different ways - social pressure, social ambition pushing me - but I can't be that.

So this past month, I have done nothing on time. I have not ticked much off my task-list, I have forgotten and forgiven, not bothered to get angry.

I have enjoyed drawing again, have drawn a lot. And I have watched myself. I will not do things which take me away from being peaceful. At any cost.

Living in Mumbai can be a hassle. So little space, such long distances, high-pressure work. Can I survive? Maybe. I don't want to do too much. Just as much as I can. Get rid of my debt, learn about things I pretend to know a lot about... be lax and easy with myself. Be good in my relationships...

Mumbai is in a way - fun to drift through. Fun to move around, not pretending to be in a rush, and not bent on getting something done.

I will be staying as a paying guest near my office. I have my own house in Ahmedabad. Does it puzzle me - why am I here? what am I doing? Sometimes. Otherwise its clear. I am here to practise, doing things, being things, seeing things. Practise meeting people, bonding with people in a different way. In a way, which feels honest, personal.

1 comment:

  1. Prayas

    How funny how closely our paths have come together. I am a few months out from a similar set of tasks, big changes, two homes maybe, lots of travel time. Yet, all of it is not loose if we are not loose with it. There is no such thing as looseness existing outside of us. We configure how loose or tight our connection is.
    "How does one do that, and not feel strangely, obtusely, that one is going to be left behind?". Yes. How does one? Perception, I suppose. That statement alone "How does one...behind" sounds like pure fear. What would it mean, to be "left behind"? Ahead?

    Practicing, as you summize, is the best bet. Treat everything as practice. Process.