Look at everything through a pin-hole camera and suddenly things will make sense. Colours will merge into one another, sound will dim out.
I was talking to ma yesterday, on the phone and something I said made her cry. She felt I was misunderstanding her. She said she is not as strong as she was, once.
Who all have done things, which have weakened her? Who all have betrayed her trust, shattered her dreams?
I usually go on long walks with her a few times a week, there has been a dryness between us for the last few years. Once, I feared she would never relate to me again - when I had run away, and then come back sat across her on the sofa. But she did, giving me bits of love again - filtered through her shattered heart. All of wondered why her health has detoirated. I always blamed my father. Never gave her time, never understood her, other things always being more important. But I feel all of us - who broke her heart, are equally responsible.
What does one do with remorse?
Allow it to make you soft and dejected, blunt, directionless? Allow it to dull the electricity of your eyes?
Remorse seems to inspire a feeling of completeness, lets you accet yourself more completely.
Today morning I dreamt tht Manju and I had finally gone to Meerut, our home-town in UttarPradesh.
My maternal uncles stay there. They have called us so many times, when their daughters married... and now they don't call us anymore.
We were sitting in their house and they weren't very excited that we were there. Thing seemed to be very much past-the-moment. I do believe, somethings need to be dne on time - bonding, befriending. We were sitting in their house and everything was dry, slow, strange. Not warm.
What in me renders relationships dry within 2-3 years? There must be somthing. That will be another interrogation.