Inside/Outside

I struggle, as so many do, with prioritizing self-care. I also struggle with scheduling/not scheduling, especially on a day off after many days in a row of working.

Yesterday, this struggle looked like this:

Energized by the strong winds and 60 degree weather, I ran bunches of errands until, part way through, my inner child voice said, "Um, can we go home now?" I responded, "Is it ok if we just run two more? Then we can be done." The completist voice, which always wins because it is so logical. Inner child shrugged, looked away. Aha. I see, the question I was actually asking was an order: "We will do these last two, I'd like it if you were ok with that." Even seeing that, I persisted, and by the time I got home, I felt all befuddled. I had time to do both these things: go out into nature, and also snuggle with cats, but I was frozen. Acute anxiety/depression kicked in, and I got locked down.


Listening to Andrew Solomon's TED talk on depression yesterday, earlier in the day, I felt a familiarity - both Dylan and I struggle with semi-frequent acute depressive episodes - and also a sense of "Well, I am not feeling that way now, and grateful for that." Then, later that same day, there it was.

Luckily, I reached out. I texted a friend, then, Dylan came home and comforted me. It was hard - I felt myself not wanting to reach out. It took two hours to contact anyone, stop the cycle of checking Facebook and shutting down. Once I was able to open up, it did dissipate the lockdown, just in time.

Today, I woke knowing I needed to schedule in time to take off - to walk, to write. It may be 20 degrees cooler today, but I am going to take the trip out to Cherokee Marsh I meant to do yesterday. I started the day with yoga and meditation, supported by the cats. I am carefully scheduling time to work - and time to stop working.

When one doesn't work, try the other: a gentle structure that leaves room for human needs.