buddhist blog on writing, photography, teaching, life - with the aim to open inside spaces.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
End of In No Sense
this the end of innocence? Or the end of confusion?
end of delusion or the end of illusion?
is innocence, anyway? In-no-sense. In no sense did I understand
what marriage entails. And in no sense is it a problem. And yet.
And yet. In some sense I thought I knew. That’s innocence – thinking we know?
Or is that arrogance? Innocence is not even knowing there’s something to think
or know about.
would not prefer innocence. That Buddhist adage – don’t start and if you do
start, get it over with quickly. Yeh. And yet, when I do slow down and realize
what is really going on, I am so grateful that I have developed skills to
notice. That I know something now, things I didn’t even realize one could know,
then. When I was innocent.
was cranky and fast, jumpy and not listening much. I wanted to go to the gym
early on, get some exercise. As usual, my first response was a good one –
happiness – yes! I’d like to do that. Then, somewhere in the deep lurking
murkyness of underneath my conscious operations, a part of me, having just got
my period, bloated and hating my body, said “You don’t HAVE to go,
unconscious part said, “Yeah. Don’t tell me what I have to do.” So my conscious
self felt bad – look at me, telling myself what to do. I don’t have to do
anything. Its my day off, I can just chill and read, etc…habits deep from
childhood, the assumption that nothing-doing is what is best and is actually
what I want. Deeply desire. Need most at any given time. In no sense is this
based in most current circumstances. It is hiding. While “doing nothing” is
important an “activity” for me, it is never healthy when aggressive like this.
the battle began, and the part of me that wanted to go to the gym felt awful
and confused. But, but, but I wanted to
go, she said. And the part that said I didn’t have to go told her that either
she a) didn’t really want it and/or b) she couldn’t make me go. PS You are fat
and are just using this to punish yourself.
Nice way to slide an insult in there.
the time we got home I was a mess. Sad. Disconnected from my crampy, aching
body. Dissociated. We lay in bed, snuggling, Dylan struggling with her own body
issues and want/dislike and I said “I do want to go to the gym, that’s the
thing. I am confused, I am not sure how that got turned into being mean to myself.”
something nice you could do for yourself right now?” Dylan asked, gently, and
it took me back to 17 years old, Annee Pope, who FAcebook messaged me just this
week telling me how much she still admires me and loves me, asked me what I
needed at a moment of severe depression. “I like hot baths?” she suggested,
Annee, one year older than me. “Do I like hot baths?” I asked myself. No
don’t know, Dylan. I think what would be nice is yoga, but even that gets
turned against me. I think I need to be in my body.” My new slogan of stop-drop
and roll (pause, get into my body and move in a way that gets me out of my
head) flashed in front of me, on our wipe off board in our bedroom of important
things to remember.
agreed on badminton, and I went out into the backyard to set it up, grabbing
the push mower on the way. The slicing sound of the blades, the mix of wind and
sun, the fresh cut grass smell and the heart-beat-raising jog of pushing along
the mower, along with some great upper body workout for my arms, all felt
an orgasm, another thing I so often want but my body isn’t so sure it’s ok to
have, I had to negotiate. Wait for just the right opening, then take a chance.
Laying in bed, I thought differently from moment to moment – one moment – “I
never want to leave this bed” and the next “Ok, let’s do it!”
When I was innocent, in no sense did I ever
realize there were moments of Ok, let’s do it. It all seemed solid. Is it
maddening that I flip back and forth? Yes. Also human. Also, there are moments
when the forth flips and I can do that – move forward, not back, not back into
habit, deeply entrenching. After I mowed the lawn and Dylan repaired a window,
we didn’t need the badminton. I felt good, in my body, plus, better than the
gym, I got something done. The rest of the day got a lot easier. In no sense
did my life ever appear easier before, as it still doesn’t when I am going back
instead of forward, instead of present. I’ll pick the repeated ending of
innocence – in no sense – the repeated opportunities to turn dead-end roads of
habit into open fields, prairies of perception, lack of deception, intention
openings that happen again and again in little flits I in no sense notice
unless I slow down and really listen to myself.