Today and yesterday were edgey.
The kind of days where I realize I can't get so tense about job stresses or I won't last the last six months. Then I realize I have to pace myself equally for *life*. Take a deep fucking breath. Of course I only realize that after 48 hours of self torture followed by a hot shower and some mindless television, then crying for a couple of hours over how useless it feels to relax. Funny how the first phase of resistance I ALWAYS go through in relaxing, in starting a weekend, is how useless my life is unless I am doing something. I crave being alone, being silent, having time to fuck off all week, then I get it and I think: "Jesus. I should go out. My friend's having a party. Why aren't I there?" It's true my mindset can change. It's true that what keeps me home most is just inertia. But in the end its rare that I regret harnessing time alone when I can get it.
It's just that I have never really known what I want to choose, under pressure.
One thing about meditation: the second I sit down, and for the first ten minutes thereafter, I am sure I know exactly what I want. Of course, I want to be doing anything other than meditation. ANYTHING. Sometimes, I have to confess, I will use meditation to kind of move around my thoughts a bit - Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche basically condones this in his book Turning the Mind Into an Ally - go with it for 10 minutes, the list making the I wish I were making this instead stuff, but stay close to it. Then, meditate. Pre-cleansing cleansing.
Tonight I feel like I could do anything. I kind of could. I have a friend's car on loan, I could go out to a bar or a party or dance (I don't own a car, so otherwise it would be cold and stuff). But I am here. And I'm happy enough. A flickr buddy has just sent me a mix of his, and I've got his set (entitled "Pins and Needles") to keep me company, instead. Plus any other manner of activity - inside activity. Sometimes the funny thing about having a good-seeming choice, is to not choose it. I could choose to go out, unlike other nights, only I am going to not choose it. Hard to remember that is a choice, sometimes.